How do you work with "difficult people" and "challenging groups"?

How do I work with "difficult people" and "challenging groups" is a question I get asked often. It often reflects a fear of what could go wrong, and an underlying assumption that the difficulty or challenge in making progress lies in the actions and behaviours of other people. It would be so simple and easy if it was always other people who were the problem, rather than the situation, the conversation or our leadership. Unfortunately, I have found that more than 50% of the solution to group process or conflict is within your control or influence. Probably another 25% is about history, structure, perceptions and relationships - all things we can work with. The remaining 25% is the perceptions, assumptions, attitudes and behaviours of other people. The things we sometimes call "difficult" or "challenging". I want to acknowledge my percentages aren't an exact equation, and this is more art than science, but you get the idea that when we work with groups, we can show up in ways and take actions that can influence or address approximately 75% of the challenges in group interactions and dynamics, if we approach things in certain ways.

The first of those ways is to let go of the judgement and assumption that some people are difficult and some groups are challenging. I like to think that we can encounter people who are having difficult days, are finding themselves in difficult situations, but there are few whose only label is difficult. People may be difficult some days, but they are that and so much more. That label is part of our own assumptions and judgements. We can also begin by letting go of our assumptions that some groups are challenging, and instead consider what their lived experience, history, past treatment or interactions have been that have led them to interact in ways that may be combative, defensive or assertive. If we can be curious instead of judgemental we stand a much better chance of moving from challenging to exploratory in our interactions.

Growing your facilitation skills and facilitative leadership can be a key piece of the puzzle for bringing people together in disruptive and chaotic situations.

What is facilitation?

The dictionary defines it as:

• The act of making something simpler or easier; and
• The act of helping other people deal with a process or reach an agreement or solution without getting directly involved in the process or discussion yourself

I love the idea that facilitators make things easier - the best facilitators make everything feel easy, and groups often think they got to resolution, agreement or goal all by themselves. That can be a mark of a great facilitator, especially in relatively simple or positive situations. There is an important element of service in facilitation; in helping others get where they want to go, rather than where you think or feel they should get to. The definition also highlights an element of what is often referred to as neutrality; not getting directly involved in the discussion yourself. All these things are part of the role of facilitators - the flow of group process, being of service to the group, being aware of your own biases.

Facilitation is all these things and so much more. I would add additional ideas to a reflection on what is facilitation:

• Facilitators have questions not answers. They are curious, present, exploring possibility, divergence and ideas to support all to deepen understanding. They don't need to be experts on the topic; their expertise is in the process.
• Facilitators are focused on what emerges. Facilitators guide group conversation to disrupt the status quo, old patterns and shine a light on a new way forward.
• Facilitators create a container or structure that serves the group. A master at group process, powerful questions, emotional intelligence, the use of methods, movement and tools to support conversation, facilitators bring an expertise unrelated to content that enables a group to struggle together and find a way forward that serves them, the content and the conversation.
• Facilitators are clear on and are grounded in their commitments and values. Facilitators are not "neutral" as no one is neutral, but they are very clear on what they stand for, believe in and are committed to. For example; a belief that despite conflict and tension, a group can find their way to each other, a commitment to respectful, kind and brave dialogue, being of service to everyone in the group.

I define Facilitation as the art and structure of letting go, letting come and moving forward in ways that centre humanity, build understanding and shift our views of each other and the situation.

Facilitation is a core leadership competency that results in stronger teams, better performance, increased innovation and creativity.

So now, back to the big question. I've reframed it as How do you facilitate conversations where difference and challenges are present?

Set clear intentions.

To facilitate anything you must know what you are trying to achieve. Those goals fall into 2 categories: rational goals and experiential goals. I like to think of them as 2 key questions: 1) What do we want to accomplish or walk out of this conversation with? 2) What do we want people to feel and experience in this conversation? Design your process around the answers to those questions, and make sure the conversation organizer as well as participants answer the questions so your intentions are clear. Get clear too on your own intentions - how do you want to show up? what are you leaning in to for this conversation? what will you need to let go of?

Recognize that facilitators have a responsibility for the emotional, physical, social and intellectual needs of participants. Have you designed a space that is physically comfortable so people can fuel and rest their bodies and focus on the conversation? Have you considered the emotional needs of participants with careful design, supportive counsellors, rests and breaks? Have you considered how to build relationships and connection among participants into the space? Have you got the resources, technical people and information so people can consider the facts and deepen their understanding as they discuss?

Work with the energy that is present.

I love the definition of emotion as energy in motion. People bring energy that is made up of their judgements, assumptions, past experiences, emotions, perceptions, knowledge and skills to the conversation. The conversation can feel crunchy or smooth, uncertain or grounded, confused or clear. Ask yourself what energy do you need to bring to shift the conversation in ways that meet the clear intentions?

If the group is stuck, can you bring the questions of possibility and the energy of optimism and faith?

If the group is polarizing and dividing can you bring the energy of calm and thoughtfulness and a process that slows things down and prompts broad thinking?

Intervene

Think of intervention with the intention to redirect, explore or adjust rather than in a coercive or compliance focused way. When we intervene with a pause, a question, a request, or a new approach we are guiding people to see something new, to discover something they were previously blind to, to shine a light on something that needs to be explored. We do this by naming the elephant, asking the hard question, noticing when things are being left unsaid, when emotion is building and we draw it out, or turn people towards it. Sometimes we turn them away from something that is hard, for just a few minutes, so they can find their courage and recover before going in again. Facilitators are the guide to help the group see, face and engage with things they might struggle to do without enough freedom and structure to safely explore.

Use the tools in your toolbox

Facilitators have giant treasure chests of tools, used in service of the group and the conversation intentions. Tools include things like:

• A long list of powerful questions that uncover values and deep meaning
• Naming the emotion
• Using physical movement
• Creating group norms together
• Balancing approaches that work for people comfortable speaking in group settings, and those that are quieter to gather wisdom from all
• Allowing venting and promoting a shift
• Practicing listening with empathy

The list could go on for pages and pages. Grow your toolkit so the use of tools in service to the group becomes second nature, in your bones and you achieve a level of mastery where you just reach for the tool rather than struggle to identify the right choice for the moment.

Invite emotion

Emotion is core to the human experience, and fundamental to our ability to make meaning. It rises when things that matter are happening, and points us like sign posts on a path to what we should notice and pay attention to. So many of us have been socialized to find emotion uncomfortable or to dismiss it as unprofessional, and yet when combined with facts, our feelings help us make meaning from our experiences. Facilitators are masters at inviting and normalizing emotion, making it OK to feel things deeply, and then to help participants channel that energy in motion into meaning and direction. That also means facilitators are masters at working with their own emotion, growing self-awareness for what rises within them when working with a group. This takes practice and courage, and is core to the work of facilitation.

Use pacing, tone, tension intentionally

In the same way we need to work with the energy and emotion that is present within people and in the group, we need to recognize that pacing, tone and tension can support the group to find their way forward. Are people getting stuck? Do we need to slow things down or speed them up? Is creativity and idea generation declining? What if we designed an exercise that made people feel slightly uncomfortable and off-balance to unlock new ways of thinking? Is tension rising too high so that conflict is escalating? Do we need to smooth things out with music, meditation, or physical movement like a walk and talk? All of a facilitator's choices will unlock something new and different for a group to explore. 

Be flexible, adapt, let go

Pretty much nothing goes according to plan when working with groups, especially in high stakes, emotional, complex situations. I often map out my process design so everyone can see it and then caution all that it is just a guideline of how things might go, depending on how the group responds or what happens, or needs to happen in the moment. Be willing to throw the agenda, plan and approach out the window and begin again, adjust or let go of what you thought would happen. It isn't about you and letting go of your ego and certainty will serve the group's needs.In the words of Harrison Owen in his Open Space methodology:

• Whoever comes are the right people
• Whatever happens is the only thing that could have
• Whenever it starts is the right time
• Whenever it is over it is over

Choose courage and gratitude

This work of facilitation is the work of leadership. The work of helping, supporting, encouraging, challenging and guiding others to get where they want to go requires courage. It requires you to centre other people and their needs at the heart of your design process, to meet them where they are and help them go where they need to go, to shine a light on things they've been searching for. It is beautiful, illuminating work that makes a difference in groups, organizations and communities, and it is something to be grateful for every day. To spend a few hours or days with people, connecting them to each other and things they care about, finding a way forward together. It is good, satisfying work, and we are lucky to play a small role in their journey.