Wherever you go, there you are
Bora Bora at sunset
I've recently returned from vacation in French Polynesia, and like all memorable life experiences, have been reliving and reflecting on the lessons from the trip.
Jon Kabat-Zinn wrote a book entitled Wherever You Go There You Are, and it seems a good place to start with lessons. So many of us think of vacations as an escape from our lives, an opportunity to step outside the every day, free from responsibility or burden an opportunity to feel ease and possibility. When your environment changes temporarily, it can have a profound effect on your mindset. I have always looked at vacations as the possibility to deeply connect with the people I am travelling with, and to explore and learn about the place I am in, to harvest a little piece of the wonder of the world and nestle it into my heart to bring home with me.
My husband and I learned a few years ago how important it is to plan your mindset for vacations, to set an intention for a trip. Of course, we learned this the hard way. Leading up to a trip to Portugal and the Canary Islands I was flat out working, looming deadlines, difficult, challenging work at overwhelming levels keeping me at my desk or in a session every day for too many hours. When I finally packed a suitcase I felt wrung out, stressed and exhausted. My husband is retired and he was enthusiastic, excited and full of energy and ready to explore. I needed to rest and recover before I could be full of energy, and wanted to take things slow and easy the first week of the vacation. We had totally different visions of what we wanted for the trip, for each other, and for our relationship. It caused all sorts of unnecessary tension. Since that time, we have had long meandering conversations about upcoming trips before they happen, talking through what we want for the time together, how we want to feel, what we want the experience together to be like. I worked less leading up to this trip, so I didn't fly half way around the world exhausted and burnt out. That preparation and our conversations set us up for success and our most recent vacation was one of the best we've ever had.
That is lesson #1: Plan your intentions, mindset and goals for the really good stuff in your life (as well as the tough stuff)
On this vacation, I got a healthy reminder that wherever you go, there you are. Your fears and anxieties travel with you, and even in the world's most beautiful, remote, exotic locations these challenges are tucked away inside your brain and remembered in your body, ready to emerge when you least expect them. We snorkelled most days of our trip - it is one of my most favourite and peaceful activities. I love hearing my breath go in and out, setting the pace for my swimming, feel the sun baking my back as I peer into an underwater universe so different from my own daily life. I've snorkelled around the world, and have a healthy respect for the currents and creatures that can potentially cause me harm when I am in their home.
On one excursion, the guide told us we were going to go outside the lagoon to the other side of the reef. If you've been to French Polynesia, you have seen the unique geography with a ring reef and a protected lagoon surrounding the islands. On the other side of the reef, lies the deep water and the big sharks. So when our guide told us we were going to swim with the sharks on the other side of the reef I had an immediate, visceral physical reaction. My heart started pounding, my gut starting churning and I got flushed, swinging between wanting to throw up or worse. Just FYI there is no place for worse to happen on small snorkel boats. Then I remembered that I've got loads of practices I frequently use to calm my nervous system. I began deep breathing, box breathing, humming to settle my vagus nerve, Jin Shin Jyutsu finger method and a mantra I repeat to myself when I lead my toughest, volatile, high emotion sessions so I stay peaceful and calm.
When we got beyond the reef, I got in the water and I'm so glad I did. Plus my husband captured these pictures.
This is me first in the water, frantically adjusting my mask so I can be sure to see all the sharks coming up from the depths. Except, see the shark behind me?
This is me with my mask in place calmly snorkelling. See my hands close to my body - I'm saying "no sudden movements" to myself. Except, see the shark behind me?
That is lesson #2: Control what is in your sphere, and for the rest, you get to choose how you want to work with the fear or anxiety that arises
We went out to the Marquesas Islands on this trip, a magical, remote archipelago in the South Pacific, with a very small population, protected culture living in a series of huge, mostly untouched islands. The tourism infrastructure was minimal, and the people were proud, friendly and wanting to share their beautiful home and culture, despite the language barriers. One of our children asked us how many tourists visit the Marquesas each year and I googled it; approximately 11,000 people each year. In comparison, between 107,000 and 125,000 tourists visit Antarctica each year. This gives you a sense of the remoteness of the place. It was a magical once-in-a-lifetime gift, and I am so grateful to have explored these islands and spent a few days in this exceptional place in the world.
On our of our days on the island of Fatu Hiva some other travellers were waiting ashore for the tender back to our ship, and while I wandered around taking pictures, feeling a deep well of gratitude I listened to them complain; about the lack of tourist infrastructure, about how people didn't speak English, how there wasn't anything to do, how they had paid all this money to come here and it wasn't worth it.
The magic and wonder of Fatu Hiva
I noticed an immediate reaction in myself - I was frustrated, angry, and I wanted to put them in their place and tell them what I thought about their privilege and complaining. I was judgemental, cynical and irritated. I allowed their complaining to rob me of my gratitude. In judging them for their lack of curiosity, openness, and wonder, I had lost my own curiosity and openness.
That is lesson #3: Be open to whatever the world brings you because wherever you go there you are, and you get to make the most - or the least - of every moment and experience
Because my work is so often with large groups of people, and I show up in the world regularly through webinars, training, speaking and writing, you might not know I am a deeply introverted person. I am private, and I refill my well with time alone or in very small groups. It doesn't mean I don't love the energy of a group, or find people infinitely fascinating, just that too much peopling and I get worn out and need to recharge. Sometimes going on vacation where we encounter large groups of people can trigger the introvert in me and I feel like the awkward, weird person in a group, looking for a quick exit after an inability to make small talk too long.
This trip was a wonder for me. I was relaxed, full of adventure, in my happy place every day. Because of that, I went to all sorts of activities that involved groups of people; Polynesian craft workshops, Marquesan language glasses, game playing sessions, cocktail making classes, wine tastings, Polynesian culture lectures, and the almost daily snorkel excursions. I remembered a side of myself that thrives in conversation, that loves meeting new people and is curious about their experiences and perspectives, even when I don't agree with them or see the world differently.
That is lesson #4 - Take yourself outside of your comfort zone with a full heart and see what happens
When we returned after almost a month away, I dove back in to work, even delivering a workshop 24 hours after our return, with many other sessions, meetings and events booked in my calendar. I figured that I had been out of contact for most of a month, and I would return rested and full of energy so a full schedule would be easy to handle. I didn't take time to transition in, set any intentions, or think about what it would feel like to be working after many weeks of expansive space in my head and heart.
It was jarring and discombobulating - a rough landing for my mind, body and spirit, and for those around me too. I couldn't get my bearings or find a groove. I was jet lagged, not sleeping, reaching for creative juices and coming up empty. I had long to do lists and my brain was still in a slow, easy pace, resisting a full calendar. I had to dig really deep to bring my best self to leading sessions, leaving me little energy afterwards for the rest of my life.
I've been home a month now and I've adjusted, finding a new pace and a balance between creativity, rest and hard work, but I've had to commit fully to make it through the transition. In the same way my husband and I prepared ourselves mentally, spiritually, relationally and physically to go on this vacation, I needed to have practiced the same approaches on my transition back to home life.
That is lesson #5 - Life changes, big and small, require buffers and intentional transitions so you can show up as your best self
